I can do this.

January 25, 2017

What is even happening right now?

 

I'm literally sitting on my bed, 95% finished crocheted top next to me, home alone and tears running down my face. I can't even explain what I feel in this moment.

 

The last few weeks have been draining and I've been in a mental tug of war. Trying to figure out financial stability with work hours being cut down, attempting to get back to the things that make me happy. That set my soul ablaze and just make me feel good. I started crocheting again and wanted to start selling them as extra money on the side. I've revisited my thoughts on writing a book, got discouraged and then tried to pick up the pieces again because I do love to write but my confidence in it goes up and down. I feel like I have great things to say in conversation with people but when I go to just open my notebook and write my mind draws a huge blank and I end feeling like I can't do it. I feel like a huge failure and bash myself for the words not coming so easily.

 

It's been tough but something just happened that set off the waterworks. I'm just sitting on my bed feeling like crap and browsing through social media. I purchased some books that I had been wanting but kept forgetting to actually buy. Then I check my email and see the confirmation email for the orders and then I see another email talking about confirming my subscription to an writing course and I'm like ???? Initially I'm thinking it's just for a new newsletter or something so I'm like yeah *presses confirm email*. It then goes to the whole "Confirm you're not a robot" thing so I do that and press "Confirm". Then it gives me access to this writing course from one of my favorite writers and I'm confused as hell because I didn't purchase the course and somehow I have it. The course had already started so I'm looking through the previous emails and such regarding the course. I read through one of them and was starting the next one when the flood gates opened.

 

My chest got tight and my vision blurred because I needed this so badly. I needed to read this information. I needed a push in the right direction to let me know not to give up and I almost feel like it was a sign for me saying "The world needs your words, so speak." In all honesty it could have been a computer glitch but for me it was a sign and I felt it with my whole heart. It was saying "Write. Kevonne. Write." So here I am, writing. Shortly after I get a notification on Instagram saying that a very special person to me commented on one of my posts of one of the crochet tops I made saying that I need to start selling them and she would buy one! That just touched my heart even more to know that I have that kind of support. To know that she liked what she saw and wanted to support me by actually purchasing one. Mind you I had only posted it because I had just tested something new and was happy with how it came out. I hadn't publicly said that I wanted to sell them. I don't even know how to feel right now. But it got me to thinking about blessings and how life is truly something else.

 

You could be having the toughest time, battling self doubt and whatever other demons that haunt you silently ringing in your head. You might not ever even hint at something going wrong in your life out loud but God above and the Universe hear you. They always provide the boost that you need and you have to hang in there. You can't give up so quickly. You have to dare to try again over and over. It's a crazy sensation going on in my body right now. A beautiful beautiful blessing and I can't say anything but thank you through my tears because I'm truly thankful for this encouragement to continue to do what I love and envision for myself. I just can't believe it but I can because God is good but Lord have mercy, I was in a tough spot and He just came on through. To comfort and let me know that it's gonna be okay.

 

More than anything just shook the doubt from my shoulders so I would know that I can do this.

 

I can do this.

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