To Bloom in Chaos... 🌷

February 16, 2017

To shine your light in darkness.

To do what they said you wouldn't and be who they said you couldn't. 

To live free with chains because you decide what they are made from....

 

I made the choice to bloom in chaos....

 

When I look back on my life thus far there were many times that I didn't know if I was going to make it. I'm an extreme person. Not dramatic or over the top but my emotions are felt to the highest degree. When I'm happy I feel the joy from top to bottom. I get tingles in my toes and I feel like I'm going to burst. My cheeks burn from smiling so hard and I don't even walk, I damn near dance and glide. When I'm sad or hurting, I feel it in the deepest part of my gut. It can nag at me and if I allow myself to, I can cry and zone out for days at a time. When I care then I care 10000000000000% and there's nothing I wouldn't do if I was called to. When I don't care then literally no energy is spent on whatever it is.

 

When bad things have happened in the past, it was the end of my world. To be disappointed so many times and still want the person to care and have hope that it'll be different. To be in situations where it feels like you're the problem and everyone is against you, then even you don't like you. That's scary and heartbreaking. For me I felt it all and didn't know how I could find my smile. I didn't know how I wasn't lashing out on people and being mean and hateful. I honestly had every reason to. 

 

When you're told that you're wasting your life and spending your time on stupid things. When you're kicked out and told that they don't care where you end up. When you leave the house in the middle of the night for 4 days and no one is looking for you. No one reaches out and wonders where you are or if you're even okay. When you're talked down at, cussed at and made to feel small and insignificant in every conversation. It wasn't always some physical abuse but mental abuse is the worst kind. You can see when physical wounds heal. You can protect yourself to not let them re-open. Mental wounds are the easiest to keep messing with. 

 

To keep digging into and making worse. For awhile I did make them worse. I put all the blame on myself and thought I was getting all that I deserved. It just had to be my fault and that's why it was happening. Besides when you hear things continuously, you get to a point where you believe it. So to hear the negative from everyone including yourself. It can consume you and I was prideful. I never wanted pity or to look weak. I wasn't in the business of asking for help. Admitting that I was hurting and needed someone. That I didn't know what to do. I was so used to those around me not caring or not caring in the way I wanted them to. That I didn't even bother. I kept smiling and created a different reality for myself. 

 

I cried in my room, I wrote through my pain. My journal was my best friend. Maya Angelou was my mother, sister, best friend, confidant and hero. (She still is). She has a quote that says "Just because you go through pain doesn't mean you have to be one". That stuck with me because I have no interest in being mean to people. It's bizarre at times but I'm a lover at heart. I can't help that and I found that I don't want to. Everyday we have a choice. 

 

No matter what happens in our lives we have a choice on how we react to it. Whether we let our past pain make us cold hearted or teach us how to treat people. Whether we allow ourselves to hide our gifts and greatness because confidence is a foreign concept or if we choose to bloom despite the chaos. 

 

To shine your light in darkness.

To do what they said you wouldn't and be who they said you couldn't.

To live free with chains because you decide what they are made from....

 

I made the choice to bloom in the chaos. 

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