I'm not 100% sure what it is but I feel triggered by a thousand things at once right now. I was going through a normal range of events, nothing too crazy. Watching videos on youtube for room inspiration, creating wishlists on amazon and iherb. Daydreaming about the life I want to live, the one that I can see in my head and have to believe that I can actually have. Even now my chest feels tight and my eyes are burning as that thought went through my mind. The life I have to believe that I can actually have. As I said it to myself.
As the tears well up in my eyes, I feel triggered. Cornered by and vulnerable to my own self. I was going to shut out the thoughts and move on to something happier, more comfortable and less intense. But I felt like that wouldn't do me any good. I have to face the truth and sit in the uncomfortable. I have to write and get it out and cut the crap really. This past weekend I was blessed to experience an incredible wellness retreat with some amazingly incredible women. I'm sure I'll write about the experience at some point but right now I feel like I didn't know how much I got out of it until this moment.
I didn't know how strongly things resonated until days later and my mind is processing and testing me. Now that my thoughts and processes are provoking me. I'm analyzing and realizing things that I don't like and don't 100% understand but I know need to change because it doesn't feel right but it's way too familiar. I've been operating this space too often and that realizing is a large dry pill to swallow. My eyesight is getting clearer and now I can actually see my fog. The things I try to hide and ignore. My biggest thing has to be the lack of faith in myself and not feeling like I deserve good things. It's this feeling of inadequacy that is really consuming me. I have my moments of faith where I have hope and feel good but it's not stronger than the feeling of not being enough or the comparisons that I make in my head. I am truly grateful for the wonderful experiences that I have had and I know that we are all going through shit that no one else can readily see. But these nagging feelings just won't go away.
I still find myself thinking well why can't that be me or if only I had that opportunity or the money to do this or that. I know that ultimately God has the final say in everything but us as creative energy forces. We have the power to create the lives we want to live. We attract what we put energy towards. I totally get that but I don't know how to not feed the negative thoughts or how to feed them less and focus more on the positive, reaffirming thoughts. To feed faith and confidence and trust in the timing and order of things. I understand these concepts, they are not completely foreign to me. But I'm trying to figure out how to stop the comparisons of myself to others. To stop feeling like the things I want and dream about long-term can actually happen. That I deserve them. It's insane to me that I just had such a beautiful experience. I got to meet someone I've felt drawn to and connected to for years. I got to hug her and spend 6 hours with her. I know that was God and it wasn't a coincidence. I don't feel like it was a one time thing or that it could never happen again. But here I am, crying and writing and feeling inadequate and like I'll always be a dreamer.
I feel triggered, on edge, vulnerable and like I need to exhale. That there needs to be some kind of shift inside of me that I don't know exactly how to bring about just yet. Actually I think I do know but it's going to be work. No quick fixes or overnight solutions. Pieces of the retreat and conversation are hitting me harder now than before. This is what happens when you wipe the fog from the mirror and really face yourself. When the mirror is HD and you can see the bumps, bruises, imperfections. The sharp edges, soft spaces and inconsistencies. It's an awakening of sorts, a rude one. It's not fun or pretty, definitely not pleasant. But somewhere inside you know that it's necessary so you continue to look. Gathering the courage to dig in and uncover.