I'm having a really good time being mySELF ✨

March 17, 2017

Stop searching for perfection, that shit doesn't exist. 

 

No matter how many times any of us hear the words "Be yourself", "Nobody's Perfect", "Just be you" or any variation of the same message. For most of us... okay let me just speak for myself. No matter how many times I've heard the words, whether it be in books, movies, speeches, workshops, on social media or from people I know personally. It's always béen a struggle to be okay with and love who I am in my entirety.

It's always been tough to love what I look like, how my voice sounds, my energy, just anything that made me different from someone else. Very screwed up logic when said out loud but shit that's how growing up in life made me. When you're not fed love and self confidence you seek validation and praise from others. In some ways more obvious than others. With social media you get to create the image of yourself that people who don't personally know you get to see. You post the pictures that your hair looks best in, where your skin is the clearest, the cutest outfit, all that jazz. Shying away on the days you don't or creating an arsenal of photos to post when you're chillin and looking what you may think is crazy. It's calculated. But I've realized it's damaging. Like who the hell am I trying to impress or live up to?

 

 

People who don't know me? People who judge me on how I look rather than who I am as a person? Why is a like or nice comment worth putting up a facade of any kind? Truth is... It's not. I've definitely strayed away from being anything other than exactly who I am. I'm not a filter person really. Small adjustments here and there. I love me a good black and white photo. Turning up the sharpness or warmth comes in handy sometimes too. But for the most part filters and effects aren't my thing. I'm not tech savvy to that much of a degree. I could learn yes but then I would have to question why I'm personally doing it and I already know that it wouldn't be a positive response/reason. So scratch that.

 

I'm Kevonne and that's all I should ever strive to be. Yes it gets tough when I see people I love, care about, admire and respect doing great things and being just beautiful people. Yes it gets hard when the comparisons creep in and I get to thinking.... Dude... Why can't I do that? Live that way? Travel? Impact people? Have something about me that attracts opportunities in such a way? Why? Why? Why?

 

 

That's a good ass question and the reality is... Why can't I? There is no reason as to why I couldn't. Other than the fact that I'm comparing my path and worth against someone else's. When I know that anyone I love or follow who I respect. I've done my research and their stories haven't been easy. Nothing happen overnight and they themselves are human just like me and they decided to follow their hearts and passions. I know that. I've seen it again and again. It's not a foreign concept but my mind sure does make it seem that way sometimes.

 

That's when the headspace of comparisons comes right on through and I'm like wtf man? Unfortunately I can't get rid of comparisons completely. That would be nice but would also mean that I wasn't a soul having a human experience right now. But alas that I am and my soul is doing just that. What I can do is lessen the time spent comparing. Lessen the time spent in that negative and less than headspace. With practice and holding myself accountable. Being aware of my thoughts and processes. I can absolutely teach myself to move on more quickly so I don't miss out on living and doing some cool things... Like being ME and all that comes with that.

 

 

That starts with being more than okay with me in every state that I come in. The me that woke up late, dirty hair all over the place, armpit hair growing back because they haven't been shaved in a few days. The me that takes way too long in the bathroom because selfies are being taken and music is being played. The me that has slept in her hoop earrings for probably the last week because I couldn't be bothered to take them off and they make me look put together in a pinch. The me that makes ridiculous faces, has blackheads and is as clumsy as can be. The me that talks fast and shrieks repeatedly when I'm excited in the moment and as I relive the moment at any point going forward.

 

The me who loves to write but rarely has the words to express exactly how I feel inside. The me who gets tongue tied and is hard on myself. The me who is pretty good at creating things with my hands, jewelry and crochet but doesn't always believe that so I get scared and hesitant with putting things out there. The me who just wants to provide for myself while doing something I love and sharing the wealth with others. The me who is emotional and sensitive as fuck but still a strong G. The me who will NEVER have it all together but is trying ridiculously hard to do the best I can in the meantime.

 

 

I can honestly say I've come a long way on this self love, confident, believing in yourself being human life journey thing. Following my heart has gotten so much easier, when I feel something the moments of second guessing and worrying about how things are recieved are less and less. Almost nonexistent but they still pop up here and there. But I still follow that voice regardless. So I write the long gushy emails and texts of appreciation. I overshare sometimes but hey, if I feel like it needs to come out then out it spills.

As with every lesson we learn in life, it rarely ever happens right away. Timing is a huge component and the timing right now is feeling good. A transition is happening inside myself and others that I've talked to. I'm triggered more easily than normal, I cry at my honesty with myself and damn near everything else that hits a part of my soul.

 

 

In a way I almost feel like my skin is fitting better each day. Like I can breathe in my fear. It's not so much suffocating and hindering but more like I understand that it's okay to be afraid and hesitant. I'm questioning my thoughts more like why does this bother me? Why do I care so much about a certain thing? Is it real or did I create this mess in my head? The messages that I've spread to other people but didn't practice myself are being thrown back in my face like HEY REMEMBER ME?! And I'm not even surprised. I'm cool with it. But more importantly, I'm having a good time being mySELF and discovering mySELF. My whole ass SELF. 🌻

 

I just thought I'd share. 💛

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