It's currently 2:29 AM and I just spent the last 2 hours or so standing in the livingroom of my aunt's house talking to my cousin. It was a surprise visit and I was hype to see her. She lives in Texas, we have the same birthday but we're 18 years apart and I just haven't seen her in awhile. It was quite late when she got here and everyone went straight to bed but we got to talking and I'm sitting here now just reeling from our conversation.
Although we are 18 years apart we connect on so many levels. Idk if it's because we are related or just the energy that we share but I got exactly what I didn't know that I needed. We spoke about what we've been up to, dreams, goals, adulting, perspective, forgiveness, family, relationships etc.
I filled her in on the journey I'm on and where my head is at and we got to talking about how our parents don't define who we are or where we are going unless we let them. She knows my story and my relationship with my mom and hers isn't much different if not worst. And she continued to tell me that one day I'm going to forgive her and be okay with where things are. That it'll be that way with all of my siblings someday.
Now in my head I thought I had forgiven my mother. I don't feel anything towards her. But as my cousin said that, I felt that somewhere to some extent she was right. That there was still some things I had to let go of. To release myself from. Not just with her but in other aspects of my life as well. I was just in denial but she saw me, she could tell by the way I spoke about certain things. My mannerisms and just her having gone through the same thing. I trust her to always give it to me straight, no bullshit. No sugarcoating but not mean or demeaning. Just being real about things and not pretending.
So I felt her when she said it. We talked about the journey of self discovery and finding your own path in life alone or with those you love but being okay with it going either way. Because at the end of the day the only person I'm responsible for is myself. That I choose what I give my energy to and who I shall become. She said I get to choose whether my journey is an epic fail or if I make something of myself and live life to the fullest. No matter what it's up to me.
We spoke about relationships and energy and the meaning of family. We are in total agreement when it comes to the fact that we both believe that blood makes you related, it doesn't make you a family. That a lot of people throw that word around so loosely. But we have a tight knit group of relatives that feel like family. And we create family for ourselves. It's more actions than words.
We talked about tattoos, self expression, traveling and just so much. It felt good because my cousin and I are so much alike. She's definitely more straightforward than I am because she literally gives no fucks. She's respectful because that's how our grandma raised us and it's just common courtesy. You show respect to everyone. But she's so much herself and it's the most inspirationally frightening thing ever. I don't know how else to describe it but she's everything.
I didn't know I needed this night of conversation, of inspiration, of motivation. To know the things she hopes for me, sees for my future, that she believes in me and encourages me. To see her, a strong beautiful woman so full of life and rich with wisdom doing her thing. It's pretty hard for me to fully express how I feel right now. But Lord knows I feel good. I'm tired as it's 3 AM now but I feel a shift in energy.
I truly needed that and even if it was only for a few hours. I'm thankful for these moments.