Don't "sweetheart" me Speak your "truth" if you must, But with words so thick you almost choke Don't "sweetheart" me. Never a pat on the back Just feet on my neck So many things I could say from anger, But I wasn't taught disrespect I was taught to respect my elders That no matter what someone says about you If you know it's not true then don't worry about it I was taught that its not the "what" that is said but the "how" If only it was you that understood that now I have contemplated self harm Imagined the blade, the needle, the blood Yes I sank that low I'm deeply scarred but being optimistic With a smile to cover them, who would ever know? Certainly not you because you see what you want to see And that no longer includes me I'm a ghost and not by choice Only existing when I've done something wrong I have a voice but then again I don't Wanting to retaliate but knowing I won't It's not beyond me as thoughts can become actions But I understand the power of words Once released there is no retraction You dare let the words "I love you" roll off your tongue in my direction Like "r's" of the Spanish language Words that everyone yearns to hear Just like "baby" and "darling", nicknames and such Yes you can say them but meaning it? Eh, not so much Actions speak louder than words Every "I love you" whispered Is a "F*ck you" shouted, "How stupid can you be?" To think you were loved by me Trust me I hear you loud and clear You tell me the last time I came near... Speak your "truth" if you must But with words so thick you almost choke Don't "sweetheart" me Do not "sweetheart" me.
It's been some years now since I sat in my room and wrote that poem. But I was sitting here on my bed reflecting and continuing with this writing challenge. Today's prompt made me think of this poem. I started thinking about who I am as a person, my journey and how the joy I exude is a choice. It's an ongoing effort to make the most of each day and keep my spirits high. I got to thinking about how unless you know me very closely or have known me for a very long time then you've probably never seen me yell, get angry, be mean, or anything like that.
Unless I've let you in my world completely then you've never seen the tears that come when I can't breathe and the world feels like it's closing in on me. You haven't gotten the phonecalls in the middle of the night where I'm so down on myself that I'm numb and can't find a single thing to smile about. You wouldn't know that I'm at war within my head with who I am and how I feel I should be more often than not. My thoughts can go super dark and I have to pull myself out of the black hole or I end up dwelling in that and it can honestly get scary. To know just how far my inner thoughts can go if I let them. I'm an extremist. No matter what I feel, I feel it to the billionth degree. So joy runs through my veins and seeps from my pores because it fills me up and sadness gnaws inside my bones literally scratching it's way inward. It's a lot.
I've been asked many times over the years, how I stay so positive, how I'm so kind and I can tell you with everything in me that it isn't because I don't get upset, because I don't know what pain feels like. Yes I'm optimistic and choose to see the good in most situations. But I'm also not walking around in this world thinking that life is all sunshine and rainbows and people never get hurt, that everyone is honest and cares about others. I know all too well what heartbreak feels like. What ultimate betrayal, disappointment, loneliness, inadequacy, resentment towards yourself and just what feeling hollow and empty is truly like. It's the most surreal and painfully real experience. I'm not one for sympathy and I'm not one to truly complain because just talking about something without action or effort to make it better is pointless. It helps nothing and it is ultimately a waste of energy for me.
So I work on it.
I believe we always have a choice in everything. Some say that in their experience they can't help how they feel. They don't have control over their feelings. Their mind just does whatever, there's no choice. Because who would actually choose to be upset and depressed. To feel low and empty. I would guess no one because lord knows it's not fun. It's not a pleasant experience. I'm familiar with that and for me it was because I didn't believe that I even had a choice. So how could I even make a better choice when in my mind there was none. It was an acceptance of pain, giving in to the suffocation. Letting it consume me. Finding peace in all the wrong and feeling like all the negative things were meant. Things get overwhelming and it's like you don't have the capacity to even begin to think straight. But with effort and time you actually can change your mindset. It is possible to pick yourself up off of the ground.
You have to tap in to the things that make you happy and feel good and take yourself back to those spaces as often as you need to. Tune in to things that bring you joy and don't necessarily involve other people. When you strip away everything at the end of the day, what is it that warms your heart. That makes you feel the most present, calm, centered and just what makes you feel most like yourself. When you think of home, where are you? What makes you feel like that? That's what has to be focused on. It's creating joy for yourself and putting in the continuous effort every single day to feel it. To let it be at the forefront of your emotions. It's giving yourself permission to enjoy the little things. It's not easy, it takes a lot sometimes. It can be exhausting being at war with yourself but it's worth it in the end.
In my opinion all we can do is try our best. I still feel like shit sometimes and that's okay. There's no way to avoid that completely so I let myself feel it and when I'm tired of feeling like that. When I want to smile again and feel good again. I make the conscious effort to think about what makes me happy. What makes me feel the most alive, free and at home. The moments I didn't want to end and then I actively put myself in those spaces. I do all those things down to the smallest details like drinking the kind of tea I really like while cozy in bed reading or listening to my favorite music. I think of all the things that keep me going and I think of the "Why" behind the things that I enjoy to do. To have a "Why" behind all that you do, it means more. It's another reason to keep pushing. To live.
All you need to get through is another reason to not give up, to try again.
Just another reason.